Talk to kids about their bodies and empower them to speak out about sexual abuse


Credit…Jun Cen

This story was originally published on July 22, 2019 in NYT Parenting.

Child Exploitation and Sexual Abuse

It seems that every day we open our newspapers, go on social media or watch the news, there’s a horrific new story of child exploitation and abuse. In my role as a counselor and educator who focuses on the prevention of child sexual abuse, people often ask me, “Is sexual abuse more rampant today than in the past?” Caregivers and teachers want to know why it seems as if there is an explosion of new allegations.

It’s a legitimate question and one that’s not easy to answer: Sexual abuse remains an under-reported crime, yet there are more outlets than ever for survivors to talk about traumatic experiences. Light is slowly shining into the dark places where predators have always hidden and on those who harbor and aid them.

So while stories of abuse by trusted clergy or even family members are difficult to read and painful to witness, I am elated to know that we are finally giving a voice to the voiceless. Statistics show at least one in 10 children in the United States will be sexually abused before their 18th birthdays — it’s a topic we cannot ignore.

With a spotlight shining on survivors’ stories, today is a new day. The Child Victims Act was signed into law in New York in February, extending the statute of limitations under which child abusers can be held criminally and civilly liable and giving survivors a broader path to justice.

In June, New York’s state Assembly passed Erin’s Law, which mandates sex abuse education in public schools. Now is the time to focus on prevention.

Predators are great at sniffing out the kids who are already having trouble in other areas of their lives and who may be vulnerable. Still, there are many things that parents and caregivers can do to protect children:

What You Can Do

Teach children that their feelings matter and that they deserve respect. 

  • For parents, this does not mean that children get to run the house or do whatever they please, but it does mean that when a child shares a feeling, we validate it. Many parents can relate to the classic scenario of preparing a wonderful dinner, with the main course and side dishes and even dessert. Then, shortly after dinner and right before bedtime, as your child is putting on PJ’s, you hear: “I’m hungry.”

  • We all know that we would love to say, “That’s just not possible” or “No you’re not,” or maybe something not as PG. But it takes just a little tweaking to validate a child and still hold our place at the top of the household hierarchy.

  • Try something like, “I’m sorry you’re hungry, but you will have to wait for breakfast,” or “Oh, you’re hungry … there’s a carrot in the fridge for you,” to maintain the validity of your child’s feelings.

    Respect for a child and validation of her feelings gives her a sense of self and helps a child recognize her emotions. Being able to recognize our feelings is the first step in knowing when something doesn’t feel right. Predators rely on the fact that children can be easily manipulated. Children who have a better sense of what feels O.K. and what doesn’t — and are able to receive validation by communicating those feelings to trusted adults — are at a big advantage.

Emphasize that children’s bodies belong to them. 

  • Kids need to understand that no one is allowed to touch their private parts, look at their private parts or talk to them about their private parts outside of appropriate settings, such as a doctor’s office. Communicate this concept to your kids as early as 2 years old. You can start while giving them a bath or during toilet training. Keep your language simple and age-appropriate: “Mommy is washing your eyes and ears and back and your penis.

  • Your body is so special and it belongs to you, no one is allowed to touch you because this is your body. If anyone does, you tell Mommy right away because my job is to keep you safe and touching, especially on your private parts, which can be unsafe.”

    As your child gets older, the conversation should get more detailed and can include using “what if” scenarios, dialogue, and even role-playing. Ensure your child knows that these rules apply to everyone. That means using sentences like, “No one is allowed to make you feel uncomfortable, even if that person is your cousin, uncle, aunt or neighbor. It’s never O.K., and I will always believe you.” Many children will not know this unless you tell them.

Make sure kids understand the difference between secrets and surprises. 

  • Teach children that a secret should never be kept about their private parts. An example you can use is a doctor’s visit, where someone is looking at and possibly touching private parts. Tell them that it is O.K. because the doctor is making sure the child is healthy, but most importantly it is not a secret. Parents should be in the room with a child when he is getting checked or know of the visit and then discuss what occurred with the child.

    As a counterbalance, help kids understand the nuance between secrets and surprises. Asking a child to keep a surprise party or gift under wraps could be confusing, so emphasize that there’s a difference between secrets and surprises. A gift’s recipient will eventually know of the surprise and will most likely feel comfortable and happy. On the other hand, a secret that can never be told is not O.K. and can make us feel yucky, confused, or sad. This is a crucial concept for children, because predators will try to have children keep their secret.

Share your own stories, and include as many feelings and sensations as you can.

  • Children look to adults who are close to them to figure out the meaning of what they are experiencing, so it’s helpful to share our own experiences. This will help kids learn what it means to express what they are feeling and it will put words to things they don’t understand. Your stories do not have to be abuse-related; the important thing is to model what it means to listen to our gut feelings.

  • Stories can be as simple as: “I was so frustrated this morning because I got stuck in traffic and I knew I would be late to work. My stomach felt like there were butterflies in it, and my hands were so tight I was gripping the steering wheel.” Communicating these things with our children gives them permission to share their own feelings of anger, confusion, happiness, and sadness and to understand that someone else can feel this way.

Ask for permission to touch a child. 

  • When we ask children for small permissions, we are giving them the sense that they have control over their bodies. This way, if a predator walks into their life, they will have a reference to pull from that what they are experiencing feels different. Something as small as asking, “Is it O.K. if I fix your collar? It’s turned up,” sends a message to a child that he has some autonomy over his body. Practicing dialogue like this can go a long way in helping a child realize that a predator will not ask permission, and it will help him spot those tricky people.

Empower kids to say “no” and talk openly. 

  • Encouraging emotional honesty and physical boundaries helps kids gain some control over their bodies. Letting a child say, “No, I don’t want a hug, but a handshake is O.K.” shows her that she has choices. Still, children may not be able to say “no” to their abuser or stop the abuse.

  • Most children who are sexually abused do not disclose their abuse, so we need to tell children that even if they can’t say “no,” even if they can’t get away, the most important thing to do is to tell someone about the abuse. Tell them that you will believe them no matter what happens, and they will not get into trouble for telling you.

Parents and caregivers can help children come forward with stories of abuse, and get the validation and help they need. Preventing abuse is equally important: By giving children the necessary tools, we can help them learn how to stay safer and support them should they face a traumatic situation.

Source: NYTimes

Answering your questions about our series on online child abuse (Child Sexual Abuse Images).

Workers at the Canadian Center for Child Protection, one of the groups dedicated to combating online child abuse.
Credit…Kholood Eid for The New York Times

This week’s two-part investigation into the explosion of online child sexual abuse imagery drew an enormous response from listeners — and a lot of questions. So we followed up with our guests, the investigative journalists Michael Keller and Gabriel Dance:

What has been the response to this reporting?

Shock. Generally, people — whether it was our editors, people who read our stories, or those who listened to the “Daily” episodes — were shocked to learn how bad the problem was.

After the initial shock, most people became angry, confused, and disappointed. Many expressed frustration with the government’s response and outrage at the tech companies’ inability to stop the spread of the imagery. And nearly everyone said they could not believe that people would do such unspeakable acts to children.

The reporting also has spurred rigorous discussions around encryption and privacy online. It raises difficult questions about how far companies should go to protect people’s privacy, especially when there are real and tragic consequences for children.

The producers and editors who worked on these episodes described it as a difficult and emotional experience. You two were immersed in this subject for months and months. How did you deal with it?

To be honest, it was hard.

We had no idea how dark this story would get.

Reading hundreds of graphic descriptions of images and videos found in court cases was disturbing. Speaking with survivors of abuse was also difficult, but it was important for us to hear their stories. And we found that these conversations seemed helpful for many of them. There were times during interviews that mothers and daughters would speak with one another for long stretches, without us even asking a question.

We also spoke with dozens of people who have been working on this issue for years, particularly at children’s rights organizations. One of the emotions they consistently conveyed was frustration over inaction and people turning away from the issue. And so knowing that we were drawing attention to an issue that deserved it became a major motivation for reporting on such a tough subject.

Has the reporting triggered any changes within the companies, organizations, or law enforcement agencies you focused on in the episodes?

Yes. Let’s start with the government.

Immediately after our stories were published, a bipartisan bill was introduced in Congress that would require tech companies to retain information on accounts found with illegal photos and videos for a longer period of time to assist law enforcement with investigations. Lawmakers say this is part of a larger package of bills they intend to introduce to address issues raised by our reporting.

Companies have responded as well.

Several have said they will begin to look for the imagery more aggressively. For instance, spokespeople from Dropbox and Cloud flare said that they would implement more rigorous measures to find and remove the imagery. Others, including Yahoo, have changed their practices around video scanning. Microsoft, which we talked about a lot in these episodes, has expanded the team of employees that monitors this kind of activity and also unveiled a tool to detect adult predators trying to lure children into dangerous situations.

Then there are the advocacy groups.

They’ve told us that our reporting has been crucial to raising awareness of an issue that they’ve felt has been under-reported for years. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, which for the first time released the number of reports filed by each company as a result of our reporting, told us that the stories have brought more attention to the issue than anything else in a decade.

A lot of listeners, moved and outraged by what they heard, have asked what they can do about the crisis of child sexual abuse imagery and how they can help victims. What’s the answer?

One of the gratifying things about reporting on an issue like this is seeing the response from readers and listeners who want to help.

Foremost, it’s important to educate yourself and your children regarding the perils of the internet. We wrote a bit about that here.

There are several domestic organizations working to help end this terrible epidemic, including the National Center for Missing and Exploited ChildrenThornRAINN, and the National Association to Protect Children. There are also international organizations, including the Canadian Center for Child Protection.

One survivor we spoke with on the podcast, Alicia Kozakiewicz, is working to secure funding for law enforcement teams across the nation tasked with investigating these terrible crimes.

Finally, there is always value in calling your representatives to say that this is an issue you feel is important and demands more funding or accountability.

Part 1 of the series begins with the description of note to The Times’s tip line. Has the person who sent that tip stayed in touch with you?

We haven’t heard from this person. The tip came in anonymously, so there was no way for us to reach out.

The person was right to be outraged, and instead of doing nothing, acted on that outrage. For that, we are grateful.

What’s the next phase of this reporting for you?

We plan to keep investigating and to stay on top of developments from the companies and lawmakers. And, of course, if anyone wants to send us tips for areas we might have missed, they can find a number of secure options at Thanks to all of you for listening.

Source: NYTimes

The Internet Is Overrun With Images of Child Sexual Abuse. What Went Wrong?

Online predators create and share illegal material, which is increasingly cloaked by technology. Tech companies, the government, and the authorities are no match.

The images are horrific. Children, some just 3 or 4 years old, being sexually abused and in some cases tortured.

Pictures of child sexual abuse have long been produced and shared to satisfy twisted adult obsessions. But it has never been like this: Technology companies reported a record 45 million online photos and videos of the abuse last year.

More than a decade ago, when the reported number was less than a million, the proliferation of the explicit imagery had already reached a crisis point. Tech companies, law enforcement agencies, and legislators in Washington responded, committing to new measures meant to rein in the scourge. Landmark legislation passed in 2008.

Yet the explosion in detected content kept growing — exponentially.

Read More…

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Founder, The Internet Crime Fighters Org [ICFO], and Sponsor, ICFO's War On Crimes Against Our Children Author The Internet Users Handbook, 2009-2014

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